Unusual entry, but have a drink whilst you are here

...I have already commented on the standard of driving here in Spain, and its not just confined to the Spanish. A couple of weeks ago I was returning from Benidorm New Town and decided to go down the Terra Mitica road because the N332 was almost at a standstill. It was around siesta time so people were clearly leaving work for their two/three hour break.

Terra Mitica is a theme park with those sorts of rides which scare you to death and you pay for the privilege. It's a very nice drive too along the avenue, at each roundabout there are fountains and very elaborate too. I digress.

I turned onto the road which leads to La Marina shopping Centre and down to the roundabout where the Repsol garage is. It was more like a carousel than a roundabout. The Spanish as usual in the wrong lanes and not indicating so it was guesswork as to who was going where and when I should set off. Eventually I spied my chances and set off in front of a motor scooter. I arrived home fairly harassed with the state of the traffic.

A couple of days later we met up with Patrick and Neil (owners of Paneils restaurant), it was a Sunday lunchtime and we wanted, at some stage, to dine. We tried the Spanish bars but all were booked for the day. We tried the Italian, they were about to close for the afternoon. Eventually we managed to get a table for 11 people which yes we had now expanded as a group. There were Barry and Kevin,Pat, Peter and Dave, Gary and Michael, Neil and Patrick, Me and my wife Ange.

Whilst we were waiting to be served Neil said to me "hey bugger-lugs, you carved me up at the roundabout the other day I was on the scooter." "I had loads of time to get out." I defensively replied. I won't repeat the words he expressed, needless to say I had carved him up as far as he was concerned so I accepted, almost gracefully.

The thing is I am sure I am becoming Spanish in my driving style. Although I have slowed down a lot on the motorway. But on the motorway the Spanish don't follow any highway code, its every man and woman for themselves. I was driving to Alicante the other day and in the outside lane, a BMW travelling at 10 or 20 kilometers faster than the speed limit passed me on the inside and as many cars in front of me as he could until one car having had enough of the congestion floated into the inside lane into the path of the beemer, who then had to apply brakes rapido, and jerked the steering wheel to put the car in the outside lane. All the cars you could see were applying brakes to avoid hitting the idiot.

More often than not the main causes of accidents are scooter and motorbike riders. They have absolutely no lane sense whatsoever. If there is a gap beside, behind or in front of you they will fill it. If you are queuing at traffic lights they will edge past you in the middle lane then cross in front of you back along side the next car repeating until they reach the front.

The most annoying procedure is queuing at traffic lights. Two lanes of traffic, the left is to turn left across oncoming traffic, or go straight on, the right lane is also to go straight on or turn right. There is an amber flashing arrow for those turning right which means safe to proceed unless pedestrians are crossing. There is a light for pedestrians crossing in front of the queuing traffic which is green and a red light for those vehicles going forward and left. No one watches the red light they watch the little green pedestrian man waiting for him to go red. When it does you hear an increased engine noise from car and scooter alike and they are off before the red traffic light goes green, it doesn't do amber in this sequence. This is like the start of the Le Mann's 24 hour race, what no one has anticipated is the car/lorry/bus/van double parked up ahead and as soon as those on the right do they head left irrespective of who is at the side of them, this is where Le Mann's becomes the dodgems. Horns blast fists shake, windows open and Spanish swear words abound.

Now as the Spanish are not renowned for their patience at queuing, a roundabout is almost like a battle ground. It is put in place to aid traffic progress, but that's assuming people indicate, sit in the correct lane and have some courtesy should they end up queuing on the roundabout. Bad assumption in Spain. Some keep in the inside lane and go all around the roundabout until the last exit. Some start off in the outside lane and exit at the first exit. No-one lets anyone in. The most effective aid to negotiating a roundabout is the car horn.

However as for me carving Neil up...Patrick is no angel where the scooter is concerned, none of his friends observed this and he could have got away with it, but he sent the story out on Facebook and by email, so here is Patrick's faux pas.

So Patrick is in the middle of Benidorm on a packed shopping day and is on his scooter when his path becomes blocked by an accident where two vehicles with loads of passengers had bumped each other. Whilst the passengers decamped the path for Patrick was blocked, and he was late for an appointment. His only escape was the pavement, so instead of a few revs and easing the clutch out he inadvertently hit the revs with fast clutch release, and mounted the pavement and straight into a cafe terrace (fortunately it was not full of customers) he hit three closed parasols, he knocked two tables and eight chairs over, coming to rest in the middle of the terrace on an upturned table with ashtrays, napkins and menus strewn around. The rather camp waiter came over to him saying "Don't worry sir, calm down, calm down, would you like a tea coffee or beer?"
Patrick could do little else but sit there laughing with his silver helmet on. He did say he ordered a glass of water.

Patrick having just mastered the art of Facebook, set up a message and sent around his friends list. So you have to admire the guy for giving everyone a laugh at his expense, but only Duncan could write back and say "did you get the waiter's number".......