Christmas time mistletoe and wine

...We had a traditional Christmas dinner at home, but as Dave and Pete invited us for dinner last year, we decided it was our turn to invite them and so they came. The dining table is shown left before we all got to work on demolishing a 5.5 kilo turkey.

We felt like watching the annual Christmas day swim in the bay before celebrations began and before Pete and Dave arrived. So we went down to the bay and stood outside the 'Ship' pub where the swim was scheduled for 11.00 am. We managed to get a coffee and it was time for the swim , so 20 to 30 assorted fancy dress people dived into the sea, and the chattering of teeth was a good impression of a pneumatic drill digging the road. We also managed to bump into several friends there, Barry, Kevin, Pat, Graham and more besides, so Merry Christmas was wished several times. We were then suitable ready to hold our Christmas celebrations so we went home.

Ange had the cooking under control, the bird had been slow roasting over night and just required a blast to crisp it up. We were doing a traditional dinner. Soup to start, turkey, parsnips, carrots, sprouts, mashed and roast potatoes, cranberry sauce and stuffing covered in gravy. To finish, Christmas pudding and white brandy sauce, mince pies and cheese and biscuits. We had white and red wine, beer whiskey, Bacardi, martini, vodka and brandy, along with a couple of obscure liqueurs in case.

Dave and Pete promptly arrived at 2pm, and we decided to have drinks on the balcony as it was reasonably warm. We had all bought token gifts for each other in order to make the experience more Christmassy, so we did the exchanging and more drinking, so that by the time dinner was ready we were all sufficiently injected with the yuletide spirit.

When we sat down to dinner the lads described what they had been doing prior to arriving. "we went down to 'Christine's' (an English book shop in the bay) and bought a Eurodirect phone card to ring home with." Dave explained. Most ex-pats have these, from a phone box it allows about an hour of phone time for 6 euros, and from a land line it allows about 300 minutes. "Well I got to the phone box and I had scratched the part where it reveals a pin number"...Dave continued. "...and the phone display had the words Tarjeta o dinero (meaning card or money) meaning I had to insert a card, so I did, but I couldn't see the pin number now and I started to get a bit annoyed." We could imagine the scene. "He told me to go back to the shop and get the 'correct' procedure, so I went in and asked Christine for a pen so I could write down the pin number." Pete interjected. "Christine asked me why I wanted to write the number down, and I said well when we insert it we can't see the pin number to tap it into the phone, at which point she collapsed in fits of hysterics. she said to me," "that's not how you do it, you scratch the card to reveal the pin number, dial the number on the card 1701, then press 1 for English, then key in the pin number and finally key in the number you want to ring." So Dave followed this 'correct' procedure and was connected to the person he wanted to speak to.

The dinner was complete and we decided to rest for a while before we had the Christmas pudding, which was fortunate because some Spanish neighbours came to wish us 'Feliz Navidad' or Merry Christmas. The older lady is Guadalupe, we call her lupe for short was accompanied by her daughter Soria, who was over for Christmas, she normally resides and works in London. o they stayed and chatted for a while. We all drank lots of wine and whiskey and Bacardi and were getting nicely merry. At about 9 pm Dave and Pete decided to make a move home but not before Dave told us all about the telephone card once more in minute detail.......

Christmas comes once a year....most places!!!

...Everyone is preparing for Christmas now. We are having 5 for dinner including us. This means getting the shopping sorted by the end of this weekend. Neil from Paneil's kindly offered to get a Turkey for us whilst he was shopping, later, we needed to phone him and he said to Ange: "...you know the full turkey I am going to get for you?" We wanted a full turkey as opposed to a turkey crown because I am partial to dark meat "...yes" she replied, "well its a full turkey, but it hasn't any legs." Now the Spanish do some silly things, but surely a 'full Turkey' when advertised should at least have legs and wings as well as the rest of it. Anyway after a bit of a chat, we decided we would go to the Ex-Pats shop and buy a frozen one from there we had noted that they were in tact. That is what we did and got a 5.4 kilo turkey for around 24 Euros.

The Spanish eat a lot of game and poultry. In most supermarkets you can get a full Rabbit, chickens, turkeys etc. One thing you need to be wary of though is when you prepare to cook a chicken check inside the neck, because they usually keep the head there as well as the neck, giblets et al. I found this out when we lived in Fuengirola and I heard this scream from the kitchen when Ange first discovered this fact.

The council of Finestrat Pueblo have responsibility for La Cala bay and that includes the Christmas fiesta, and the decorations associated with it. This year in order to be helpful to the environment, and to be prudent in the current credit crunch, they decided to delay the lighting of the Christmas lights until last night, and very nice they look too.

The other day I went into the Marina Bar and the usual red plastic tubing with lights all the way along it, which was the focal point of the Bar's Christmas decorations, was missing. This doesn't totally surprise me because the other night, the first half was lit and the second half, the bit that tends to be noticed, wasn't. I, wrongly thought, that they had merely discarded it, but I should have had more faith. As the bar was fairly quiet, Pedro produced this red coil and stood by the glass main entrance door. It was his intention to pass the plug end of the 'New' lights between the open door and the wall and drag it in towards the sockets located behind the door. It was hilarious, he was pushing the wire as far along the door as he could whilst with the other hand trying to grab the plug. However, his arms weren't long enough and there was a 3" distance he couldn't bridge. So I went over and grabbed the plug for him before his plan failed miserably. "Thank you Boss" he said with a clear grin, noting the futility of his original plan. Next he rolled it outside, against the wall up over the side todos screen along the top and across the forecourt to the tree, finally coiling it up the tree until he ran out of lights he clamped it on each coil between two cross head self tapping screws previously placed for this purpose. None of the coil on the patio was covered in gang tape or secured to the ground. (In England, the Politically Correct brigade, Health and Safety Executive, Ambulance service, Fire Brigade and Police Force, would by now be launching individual prosecution notices for health and safety infringements, danger to public health, causing fear and harassment, affixing self-tapping screws to a palm tree and the danger of electrocution) Happy in his labours, Pedro retired inside the bar for the grand switch on. On it went and it certainly brightened the forecourt up a treat. Now only a few days ago they had two new televisions installed which now seems to provide a full English TV package and a full Spanish listing. So they can now have football from the English league, anything from the Spanish league and all other international matches. But, they can't have all of this and the Christmas tree lights on because they have no sockets left, so the football always wins after all the Spanish are a macho race and nothing stops football.

The seasoned marina bar customer has learned to put up with their ways. So when Jesus ignores you, hits you with his tray, pulls your hair, pinches your skin or affectionately slaps you at the back of the head, he is merely being playful, and when you ask Pedro for a drink and he says. "...no you 'av to come back tomorrow" (and most annoyingly Jose has started doing the same) he doesn't mean a word of it. Salvador on the other hand is generally moderate in mood and happiness. These insults are not just for Christmas they last the year round.

It isn't just their habits that can be odd. No matter which football match or sporting event is on the TV, they have music blaring out both inside the bar and outside on the patio. In the interests of not boring you the reader I will not list all the songs and lyrics, because I have heard them all so many times I could do, but as far as us Brits are concerned, Christmas never went away, we have been listening to 'Auld lang sine', 'I wish it could be Christmas' 'We're having a gang bang, we're having a ball' 'The hokey kokey' and many more every single night, interspersed with 'She sang shang-alang' various Abba, Dolly Parton, Frank Sinatra medleys and music you wouldn't take with you on Desert Island discs. I think Antonio and Pepi think we Brits like it.

My son on one of his visits did record a CD with more up-to-date tracks but still middle of the road enough to be enjoyed by all. This was the equivalent of introducing the beatles to the Queen Elizabeth I Court. It was played once and never again. Recently we have been getting some new stuff: Neil Diamond 'Rattlin' Rosey' 'Build me up Buttercup' by .... I forget, 'Is this the way to Amarillo' (the original, not Peter kay's) and 'I am the music Man' .... enough to turn a man to drink...

The nearest we get to Traditional Spanish at this time of year is a daily sufferance of a Lady (of some longevity) who comes every year and plays Spanish Flamenco music, mimes to it, and struts around like a demented whirling dervish, when it's warm in a dress worthy of a Flamenco dancer, but as its cold right now she has taken to wearing jeans and gloves, which doesn't half knacker the image. After her 'performance' she walks around the tables with her hat in hand touting for payment for the entertainment. This is interesting for body language enthusiasts, The British embarrassingly scurry into their pockets/purses looking for the smallest denomination they can find, The Nordic folk ignore her completely, but the Spanish look her in the eye and stare as if she has lost all of her senses, until she can't hold the stare any longer and moves on towards a more vulnerable victim. The only other hawkers we tend to get are the Chinese 'bling' sellers, rose sellers, and a Spanish chap, dressed quite dapper in a suit, wearing a very 'spiv' hat and an arm full of gold-looking bracelets and necklaces and trying to sell them. When we give him the 'No gracias' routine, he just laughs, well at least he is happy in his work.

The Chines 'bling' sellers achieve a modicum of success. Their bits and pieces usually contain flashing blue, red, green, yellow lights it isn't just moths who are attracted to bright lights, tourists also like them. Sometimes they are key-rings, or hats with flashing lights and at the moment they sell these gaudy coloured sunglasses with flashing lights all the way up the ear pieces and around the lens. You may ask what sort of people buy such things?.................well...do you remember me mentioning Pete?...

Polished off the steaks and varnish off the trousers

..Plans are well on the way for Christmas in La Cala, although unlike the UK the Christmas lights and trees etc. are confined to British homes here, the Spanish tend to start in the penultimate week to Christmas. Having said that, most of the big stores have been selling Decorations and trees and lights since mid November. Christmas is also a sad time in La Cala, The Marina bar actually closes for Christmas day and Boxing day so if I want to go to a bar it has to be another one. But this year we are entertaining. Dave and Pete and our son Ian will be having Christmas dinner with us and we will therefore be drinking at home and not venturing to the bars at all.

The Spanish celebrate Christmas quietly. They will attend church on Christmas eve and then go home to open presents and have a family meal. Christmas day is a family day and most go back to work on boxing day which is not a traditional holiday here. Their celebration if Christmas is on the 6th January which is Epiphany. That is the day when the three wise men are said to have visited Jesus in the stable and took him gifts. The Spanish call the day "The three Kings" re-enact the event in all major villages, towns and cities. La Cala is no exception and on the lead up to the arrival of the three kings on camels, Christmas carols abound around the bay. When the three Kings arrive they distribute gifts to all the children who have been nominated by their parents.

As always there are celebrations right up to and beyond Christmas and of course we all meet up in the Marina for a drink and discuss what we are all doing this particular year.

Yesterday Ange and I were invited for dinner at Dave and Doreen's. We were asked to be there for 6 pm, so we set off a little early because they live at the top of "Cardiac hill" and as the local name implies the hill is very steep. So what with my heart problems and Ange's aches and pains, we thought an early start would be the best thing.

We managed the tortuous journey slightly ahead of schedule, so whilst panting like a bull mastiff I worked out which button to press to talk to Dave over the intercom in order to be let in. Once at Dave's floor he met us from the lift. As soon as we entered the room his opening words were "What a day we have had" he said adding "Can you smell anything in here", I acknowledged I could smell something like turpentine. He said "well we were just sat here taking the sun and it became too warm, so we decided to go down to Pepi's (The Marina Bar) for just an hour to cool off and get some fresh air." We could see that this was leading to an explanation of Dave's obvious state of agitation. "we sat down and after a while I could feel something damp and sticky, I stood up to look at the chair and realised there was varnish on my trousers." Apparently Antonio and Pepi had decided to varnish the wicker chairs and obviously as they are the only chairs they have it has to be a quick turn round. Now considering they shut for only a few hours a day (at the busiest time of year 4 am until 7 am, they didn't have much time to do it and clearly not enough time for the varnish to completely dry.

These wicker chairs have been in the Marina since opening day and to say they are a little tired is like saying the titanic is letting in water. When you sit on some and grip the arms you can feel the nail heads which have started to come out, and some of the wicker arm supports have fell off. There are two types of chair, one that is comfortable and one which has such an incline at the back the locals have named them "birthing chairs". You can often see Pepi on a slack day with his drill and some screws doing alterations. So news that they were re-varnishing wasn't a complete surprise, but one would have thought they would ensure that the chairs were dry. They may wish they were once Dave has finished with then because his trousers were in the washing machine and the smell of turps drifting from the hall around the place.

We were at Dave's for his 'piece de resistence' fillet steak. He had noted how we preferred our steaks, mine medium to well, Ange medium, Doreen well done and Dave was medium rare (in fact so lightly cooked that a good vet could get the beast back on its feet). We did indeed have a lovely meal. Later we chatted with a few drinks and we decided to go home around 9.30 pm.

We had to pass the marina bar on the way home and you've never seen the place so empty, we thought about calling in, but the thoughts of buying turpentine the following day ruled that out...

Food glorious food, and occasional false economy

...This is a photo of the Marina Bar from my Balcony, as you can see it isn't very far away. When my wife Ange found our apartment back in 2005 she told me we had a great sea view, so on the basis of that I went straight into Dixon's in England and bought a pair of binoculars. After all a sea view means passing ships and sea activities. But the added bonus is I can see who is in the Marina bar. I think she is being a little unfair when she refers to them as my perving glasses, but I manage to ride the dig by ignoring it. However, as well as seeing if friends are in I can also avoid those I would prefer not to sit with, fortunately that is a very small number of people.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the bar and ended up sitting with Dave and Doreen who have a hotel in Cornwall. Not long after I arrived Andrea joined us. Dave and Doreen had been out for lunch and seemed jolly enough, about 2 bottles of wine jolly I guessed. They were currently drinking Mahou lager. I was also on Mahou. Now whilst it was sunny it was very windy and therefore quite cool. I was wearing jeans, vest, shirt, jumper and cardigan. Dave had shorts and a short sleeved shirt on. Andrea also felt under dressed for the weather and I could see she was shivering. So Andrea ordered a coffee and continued to brave the weather.

Dave and Doreen do like their food. They like a bargain too. So Dave was telling us about his experiences at "Deja Vu Too" which has a sister restaurant in the Old Town called simply "Deja Vu". We Will get the joke out of the way now, cause you are all thinking it, when we went we did say to Ron the owner "I feel like I've been here before". Anyway, the owners once had a bar in the bay called "Changes" which they sold and is now called "The Bay View". Dave and Doreen liked the food there, so it seemed sense to go to "Deja Vu Too". They said it was very good and they enjoyed the food. Although Dave did say at first when he asked what the Menu del Dia was, and the waiter had to go outside and look at the board, "...I started to panic a bit if he didn't even know what was for sale". Dave had a seafood starter which he said was very good and they both had Chicken Kiev for main course, "...which was substantial" said Doreen. By the time he had explained the "Deja Vu Too "meal mine and Andreas teeth were chattering and we made an executive decision to go inside.

When I first arrived, Dave was bemoaning the price of his drinks. He said "last Wednesday when we came in Doreen had a brandy and cafe con leche and Pepi charged us 2 euros 40 cents for the brandy", "...yesterday we came in and had the same and Pedro charged us 4 euros for the same brandy, so I have been chewing Jesus' ear." Whilst he was telling me Jesus was fussing around patting me on the back and telling Dave "...dee boss es number wan jefi in the marina" (Jefi meaning boss). "...eee come in dees bar ebery day.....he bring mucho friend.." This was clearly Jesus' way of telling Dave he comes in every day you come twice a year, see the difference, but Dave was letting that one go over his head. Dave continued his story, "...and Jesus said there are different prices depending on the measure, the small measure is 2.40 but the larger measure is 4 euros". Dave, as I have mentioned before does like a bargain. And he was feeling that this was less that the bargain he was looking for.

"Now you take a can of diet coke, in my bar that would cost you 90p, in here its 1 euro 75...that's a rip-off". Dave was on a roll, "...In Les Dunes a hotel on the Levante beach front, a diet coke is 1 euro 20." I asked him. "Do you get a free one at the end when you leave." .... "No but its still cheaper" Now I had to challenge this one. "So you pay 1 euro 20 each way each on a bus 4 euros 80, then miss out on 2 free drinks at your prices another 2 euros 40, so that is 7 euros 20. And you save 55 cents a drink....so you need to drink 14 cokes to break even. That means you would be awash by the time you come home." I think the maths wore him down.

However, when Dave first arrived I agreed to pick him up from Alicante airport. I was given his flight number and arrival time, which was 1110 pm, and persistently checked it on the net to see it was on time. I arrived at the car park at 11.15 because I estimated it would take 30 minutes to come through customs. Just as I was parking, his son rang me and asked where I was. Apparently the plane was in 30 min early and Dave and Doreen were at terminal 2 waiting, so off I went. before I got there his son rang again and said he was on his way home in a taxi. "..So I just go home then eh...?"

The next day I bumped into Dave and Doreen. "What happened I said". "You weren't there". "I was there at 1110" "We arrived at 1035" the short story is, he they had arrived early, came through customs with no delay, and were waiting and Doreen was concerned there were few people around them so she wanted to get a taxi out of safety's sake. Dave tried to ring my mobile and when we checked he had my old number, so I was part to blame. In fairness Dave was very apologetic, but I had to take some of the blame for my number change.

So, it was especially nice of him to put this proposal to me last night. He said "..If you drive, I am happy to treat you and Ange to a meal at a restaurant in Albir and it will make me feel better for not being there when we arrived at the airport." I replied "Dave that's very nice of you but you don't need to, I was partly to blame." In the ed he wouldn't hear anymore and we agreed we would go but needed to pick a date. It is going to be Tuesday. The place is called "Sacrosanct" and apparently they do an excellent fillet steak and pepper sauce.

Andrea by this time had drank 2 coffees and although she didn't feel like it, set off to La Marina shopping Centre to sort her Mobile phone out, Dave was tapped on the shoulder and Pedro handed him a bottle of Mahou and said, "dees ees from mee" Dave never one to look a gift horse in the mouth said "Is it really from you?". He later got his bill and Pedro once again brought a Mahou each "On dee 'ouse" (now I worked out that to be a saving of 5 euros 70 for them, so I think Pedro had in effect given them the difference between a 4 euro brandy and a 2 euro 40 brandy. Hopefully peace has been restored.....

Apartment specifications and flat rainy days

...Apartments in general are similar in a resort town, such is the case here in La Cala, but there are some peculiarities from apartment to apartment, usually this depends on the build specification that the owner paid for when he bought the property. For example, every apartment will have the option for air conditioning, but not everyone will buy it. And in some cases the price includes finished to completion or finished up to fitting stage. If it is up to fitting stage, quite literally every fixture, Bathroom suite, kitchen suite, lighting, air con, curtain rails, light switches, sockets etc. are missing. In some cases there isn't even a plaster ceiling in place. So the new owner has to either fit them him/herself or pay for tradesmen to come and do it for them.

So, when it comes to renting an apartment like many of us do, we have to have a good memory for what the minimum standard must be, or go to view with a list of musts and must nots. We thought we had considered everything in our apartment until we wanted to switch the light on in our utility room and discovered we had a switch but no light fitting. In fact there was no wiring from the switch to the ceiling at all. Equally some of our friends don't have air conditioning and a couple we are friendly with didn't even have an oven or space for one.

A new neighbour in our block bumped into me and asked if we had air conditioning, which we have, and could I show her how it works. I went to her apartment and did everything I would do with ours but it still didn't seem to work. I advised she went back to the Realtor and ask him to get it checked.

This will give rise to the next problem with rented accommodation, who pays for what? The first thing the agent will say "I teenk you 'ave to pay" well in my experience don't be fobbed off. The gas boiler in our apartment stopped working. The pilot light would not stay lit. The first time this happened, my friend Julie was here to stay with her children and former husband. This was particularly embarrassing for us because we couldn't have hot showers. So I went to the agent. "I teenk you 'ave to pay" was his set piece, so I arrange for a 'Technico' to attend and he took off the pilot light, shoved a pin down the nozzle, and gave me a receipt asking for 37.00 Euros. I paid, and kept the receipt, photocopied it and then when we paid the rent, we deducted it from the rent and took the receipt down to the agent, and I said "I am not paying, it is a fixture and you should organise a regular inspection and maintenance for health and safety reasons." He disagreed, so I told him if he pursued it I would put in a denuncia (basically denounce him to the authorities) for breaking Spanish law. He backed down. Eighteen months later the same thing happened and we went through the same procedure once more until he backed down again.

Its time like that I am driven to drink, but that wasn't my excuse the day before yesterday, Dave and Pete said lets meet in the bar at 2.00 pm, so off I went, unfortunately they didn't turn up for a while and I may have had a few more than them ultimately. In the mean time Dave and Doreen came in and sat adjacent to me. Dave told me that he had been to 'Les Dunes' a hotel along the Levante beach, for a coffee and something to eat after having been to the Sunday market. However, nearly every time they chose a table a waiter came along and slapped a reserved label on it. and pointed to it, in other words move elsewhere. Dave was, not surprisingly, annoyed at this treatment so when he was leaving (having decided not to eat) he called by the manager and told him so.

I may have mentioned that Dave has a Hotel and Caravan park near Newquay in Cornwall. Dave is a canny Yorkshire man, and always looking for cost-saving opportunities. He has solar panels on his roof which heat his swimming pool back in Cornwall and heats his water too. I did suggest he passed on his savings to his customers to which he replied a resounding "no..." "You see Bob, we don't know how much they are going to use." he lamented, "..when they come to us, they forget to switch heating off and lights and they charge their phones and gaming consoles, so no I don't pass on the savings, because I am not really making any." He pointed out that many of the hotels in Benidorm have solar panels all over their roofs, clearly affording them savings on their bills. It seems that big hotels save and little ones like Dave's don't...that logic escapes me somewhat. He was also upset because he flies from Newquay to Alicante with Ryanair, who had emailed his son in Cornwall to say they were suspending the service from January to march from Newquay, which means Dave's next flight out is cancelled. So he will have to fly from Bristol next time which is a fair distance from where he lives.

Over the years Dave has built up a regular clientele especially caravan owners. But he feels a little let down by them of late. Dave has a restaurant and bar in the Hotel, which is there for the main use of his customers. Dave is renowned for his steaks, (although we try not to mention this in front of the grim reaper who if you remember swallowed half a pint of citronella just prior to Dave's last family steak-making supper in Spain). Like most landlords he is feeling the pinch from the no smoking bans in the UK and the ever increasing supply costs. The clients are suffering too, so their remedy is to buy their own booze elsewhere 'cheap' and consume them in their caravans, and cook their food in their caravans which are plugged into, you guessed it, Dave's electricity supply. So Dave ever the thinker is considering other ways of getting his money back. I think his ears pricked up when I suggested putting 'pay as you use' meters at each berth. You can take the man out of Yorkshire but you can't take Yorkshire out of the man!

We believe the new series of 'Benidorm' is soon to be filmed. That will be entertaining for us, we often find where they are filming and go have a look. For many of us ex-Pats we don't need to watch 'Benidorm' to spot the characters, we have our own in and around La Cala. No doubt to some I am a character too. But yesterday when in the marina, Jesus said to everyone around me that "Bob, dee boss, is numero uno jefe cameraro y Al capone de Cala Finestrat" (Bob, the boss is chief waiter and Al Capone of Finestrat) He also knows how many people I bring into his bar and he always looks after my interests.

Also in the bar were many Belgian and Dutch customers, and they too are characters. One lady, christened 'Yuppee' by the staff because the drunker she gets the more she shouts "Yuppee!" no-one quite knows why, but she seems to be happy. Her group have two other characters, one who sings when she is drunk and the other who comes and drapes her arms over me and my male mates telling us that we are her lovers. Her husband just smiles and says sorry.

Andrea has got a contract phone recently, Movistar the mobile phone operator has a good deal, no doubt we all will be on it soon. The phone she got is very good and she has been taking pictures like a woman possessed. So no doubt the results of these pictures will be featured in future blogs.

Today it is raining, yesterday me and Ange, Pete and Dave, Patrick and Neil, went to Mitico for lunch, Neil and Patrick had to go and open their restaurant but the rest of us went down to the Marina bar afterwards. The usual customers were in. We found a warmish seat to sit in, and before long the heaters were out and the toldos (awning and side panel) were in place. Pete and Dave go to England on Thursday for 3 weeks. I am taking them to the airport and watering their plants whilst they are away. So that means today (Wednesday) is packing and cleaning day. Dave said to Pete: "..maybe we can come down here for a last drink Pete..." Pete, said "..I won't be coming down, I will be too busy packing and cleaning." "Oh alright Pete.." said Dave sounding down in the dumps about it. " ...it doesn't mean to say that you can't come down and have a drink with Bob though." So I am not sure if he will be there or not and as it is raining, I can't say I am eager to go out. But I have printed off Trevor's Ryanair flight booking reference, and have to pass that to him, so I suppose I will go. Its a hard life here in Spain......but someone has to do it...

The future is bright....

...It's Fiesta time in Benidorm. This means lots of tourists from the UK and over Europe and a lot of Spanish visitors too.

Yesterday I met Pete and Dave in the marina bar. There were people in I knew up and down the bar and at the far end was Andrea and her mum Margaret, or "Margret, Margret" as we call her in deference to Matt Lucas in Little Britain.

At first, as the bar was so full we each stayed put at our allotted tables but as the afternoon grew cooler, people left and Dave in his inimitable gentlemanly style yelled across to Andrea and Margaret "..Oi you lot get over here and join us, I can't move I'm an old man" And so they did without much ado too. With them was Michael who works at a restaurant in town and his friend and I hope he forgives me because I have forgotten his name. So we turned into one rowdy group. No longer had we reassembled ourselves when friends of Pete and Dave arrived and sat behind us.

A similar grouping happened the day previously but it was minus Dave and Pete who were having an alcohol-free day, and plus several others Mike and Gary, Graham, and a couple of Graham's friends. They had come over for the Fiesta. However, Gary and Michael, hadn't had much food in the previous 24 hours since they arrived, having decided to hit the town big-style on their arriving night and partied until 6 am that morning. Such was the lack of provisions in their larder, breakfast for Gary was a Magnum! So they were determined to go for something to eat, which happened to be the restaurant Deja Vu 2.

This left Michael and his friend, Andrea, "Margret, Margret" and me. And we had equally consumed enough falling down water to be well on the way to merry. Margaret and Andrea have started to do every lottery they can get their hands on since a Medium said they were due a big win. I think the Medium was a representative of Lotto HQ and on commission, but that's just me. Margaret was convinced the medium was spot on because when she did a reading the first thing she did was tell her about the past. The Medium's view being if I can't see the past how can i see the future? "..And she even got it right about my school days, she told me I hated going to school." Now call me a cynic, but if the Medium is half intelligent and a bit of a social studies enthusiast, it wouldn't take much to work out that most 50 something year olds hated school. But to Margaret bless her it was a sure sign of clear seeing ability. Now if you use a fair deal of odds and intelligence and get the past sort of right, the future is your oyster, because it hasn't happened yet and no one can say you are wrong. So she proceeded to to tell Margaret about her fortune in future gambling opportunities.

Now from the belief in occult we moved on to Barrak Obama being President elect. See how easily we slide from one subject to another seamlessly. And his odds of surviving the days leading to him being Installed President, let alone his future in the hottest political seat in the world. Which of course expanded into a debate about Tony Blair and George dubbaya and their ill-fated war in Iraq, we were on a roll now, and so we had to move on to religion, I may have answered a little flippantly saying "...thank god I am an atheist" which isn't my stance but allowed a little humour on this solemn subject. We all believed in something whether it be a Power of nature, or a God, or whatever. So we then decided to keep clear of religion and politics and go back to small talk.

Anyway, yesterday different group and different issues but nearly all to do with eating and meals we've had in and around Benidorm. The friends of Dave and Pete had on their recommendation gone to Paneils for dinner last Saturday night and were extremely impressed with it. Also he mentioned another restaurant close by which is near the Bulgary restaurant. But I got the impression that the thing Dave and Pete's friend likes the most is quantity, whereas I much prefer quality. Still each to his/her own. One common view was that the Spanish restaurants in the bay had become expensive and of poor quality. The best one by far was Mitico at the top of the road. You are served quality at a reasonable price and it is well presented.

We all noted the cost of things is now becoming relative to our British income. As we are nearly all paid in sterling via pensions, the real increase in rent is a combination of Spanish inflation plus weakness of the pound making our rents up to 150 euros per month dearer. The Spanish have not really grasped this and they are putting rents up encouraging many Brits to seek cheaper accommodation or even returning to the UK. Also bar prices are now becoming equal to UK prices because of the euro/pound exchange. So instead of going out for a drink, people will start to buy drink and stay home especially in winter when its colder, and the Spanish need the all year round custom to survive the low season.

Still this apart, we were having a good time and wouldn't let that phase us for the time being. Andrea was telling us of an impending audition for the Queen's hotel, and had her fingers crossed for resuming her Monday and Friday night at the Marina. By this time the gas heaters were out, the awning down and the side screen in place and we were all beginning to feel our fingers once again. And as things started to quieten down, "Margret Margret" said to Andrea "....come on lets get that winning lottery ticket bought"...

Gas heaters and sandstorms

..There is very little to do when it rains because Spain is an outdoor country. It's been chilly and a little cloudy for days and now and then we get rain. This can be a drizzle or a deluge. Upsetting for the visitors I know, but it is a seasonal event and unstoppable. So us ex-pats have to find alternatives. This involves British TV if you can get it, and DVDs if you can't.

Going out is still possible and to a degree we can sit outside the bars, particularly the ones with gas heaters like the Marina Bar. Last year the heaters they had were a bit dilapidated. And there are burn marks on the awning from the heat generated which also radiates through the top of the older heaters heater. And whilst I am on about the awning, above the Marina is the La Cala hotel. And two things happen people place wet towels on the balcony rail and they throw lit cigarettes on to the awning. So in Summer we are dripped on from the towels and in winter we are dripped on through the holes in the awning created by the cigarettes.

During the first year I met Dave (Pete was working then and Dave used to come out to keep an eye on his apartment on his own) we sat outside the Marina bar watching, on the far side of the beach, tornado's of sand swirling in a very strong wind. It started to drift in our direction, until we were beginning to get sprayed with sand. Sand in your eyes, but more importantly in your beer, is not good so we decided to move in-doors. By this time the waiters had closed the glass doors to stop the sand blowing in. We just got settled and we witnessed a scene that was reminiscent of a sequence out of Ghost busters in the courtroom scene where a poltergeist is let loose amongst the tables and chairs. in a kind of Mexican wave all the tables and chairs in the Marina bar and la Cala Cala bar next door were scooped up by the wind and flung on to the beach. The furniture from la Cala Cala bar went into the sea, but the Marina bar seating blew on to the dry part of the beach, and all the staff from both bars went scurrying to catch it up and bring it back to where it should be. Dave looked at me and said "Now you don't see that every day"...

There is also the Marina Bar singers. They are employed by Pepi in particular, when he thinks the amount of customers are dwindling. Most of the entertainment is English but a Belgian lady plays the keyboard on one of the nights and a Spanish chap plays the keyboard on another night.

The thing is, although the singers a quite good considering the environmentin which they have to work, we tend to go into the bar to chat. That is impossible when they get going. The music is too loud. So as Pepi is shrewd he obviously witnessed some people leaving when the music started, hence the awning over the patio and a side screen to ease the wind and two gas heaters to warm it up. So he has the groupies and the golden oldies inside cheering on the acts, and the great debaters outside putting the world to right. This of course isn't a panacea for everyone, there are some people who can't sit inside because it is too loud and can't sit outside because there is a draught. And to my loyal readers you note I never mentioned any names.

If we are really desperate due to the weather we have to go to a bespoke indoor venue such as Heroes. Heroes is a large working man's club type venue. A stage at one end for the acts, a sound mixer desk and disco deck at the side and the bar as far away from the stage as possible.

We went there last Christmas Eve with Trevor and Andrew, my son Ian, Ange and I, and we met up with Nick and Brian. Nick works behind the bar there and issues generous whiskey measures. The place was wall to wall packed and a great Christmas spirit going on. There was a free buffet, which was good (I hadn't had sausage rolls for a couple of years). My son had clocked a young lady and was doing his best to chat her up. But her mother was with her and I think he was finding it a bit difficult. Andrew, Trevor's partner said "...don't worry, I come chat up the mother Ian, whilst you chat up the daughter". In the mean time Trevor was texting him helping him out with sensible tips NOT! I suspect. It got to finishing time and we ambled home leaving Ian, to continue his womanising.

Autumn and Winter is a time when a lot of us tend to have more nights in, which makes the Carrefour offer of take three litre bottles of Famous Grouse whiskey and pay for 2 meaning each litre bottle nine euros each, or £7.30p at today's pathetic exchange rate, an even better offer when we are stopping in.

And just when you need telly because you can't go out, the storms come and interfere with the signal. Today is such a day we can't get BBC1, BBC 2, ITV 1 or channel 4, we can get channel 5, UK Gold, and ITV2, now and then. So the cookery competition on ITV1 is not on and I am getting earache from Ange because no television signal is clearly my fault.

For such an occasion we have various DVDs - nearly all of Peter Kay's stuff, Little Britain series 1,2 and 3. various films, the first two series of "Benidorm", and a few recorded TV programmes.

But we still prefer to socialise if we can so the best time is late afternoon into early evening, if it is a clear day it will be a warm day. Yesterday was such a day and Jonathan and I sat in the Marina, later being joined by Rick, then Andrea and her mum Margaret came and joined us. They had been out for an Indian, but we had decided to go Molly Malone's for pub grub. So we left the girls under a heater saving the seat and off we went. Once eaten we returned. The girls were still there so we joined them again. Margaret and Andrea had flown over from England that morning. Margaret lives there and Andrea had a gig at the weekend. So they were up at 0400 that morning, and the alcohol was having an effect, Andrea was on wine and Margaret her usual whiskey.

Margaret was telling us about a Spanish chap that who is keen on her, and Jesus came out at one point whilst I was there and he was doing a bit of match making too. Margaret was making is plain that she wasn't interested in him or any man for that matter at least at the moment. So when he came out we were all taken a bit aback when she said to him in English, which was quickly translated by Jesus, "Do you want to marry me" and once translated he answered back, Jonathan translated it to Margaret... "he said he would marry you now Margaret..." Jesus always the pragmatist said "he a bery bery reech man..." We managed to hold Margaret back before she ran after him......

Unusual entry, but have a drink whilst you are here

...I have already commented on the standard of driving here in Spain, and its not just confined to the Spanish. A couple of weeks ago I was returning from Benidorm New Town and decided to go down the Terra Mitica road because the N332 was almost at a standstill. It was around siesta time so people were clearly leaving work for their two/three hour break.

Terra Mitica is a theme park with those sorts of rides which scare you to death and you pay for the privilege. It's a very nice drive too along the avenue, at each roundabout there are fountains and very elaborate too. I digress.

I turned onto the road which leads to La Marina shopping Centre and down to the roundabout where the Repsol garage is. It was more like a carousel than a roundabout. The Spanish as usual in the wrong lanes and not indicating so it was guesswork as to who was going where and when I should set off. Eventually I spied my chances and set off in front of a motor scooter. I arrived home fairly harassed with the state of the traffic.

A couple of days later we met up with Patrick and Neil (owners of Paneils restaurant), it was a Sunday lunchtime and we wanted, at some stage, to dine. We tried the Spanish bars but all were booked for the day. We tried the Italian, they were about to close for the afternoon. Eventually we managed to get a table for 11 people which yes we had now expanded as a group. There were Barry and Kevin,Pat, Peter and Dave, Gary and Michael, Neil and Patrick, Me and my wife Ange.

Whilst we were waiting to be served Neil said to me "hey bugger-lugs, you carved me up at the roundabout the other day I was on the scooter." "I had loads of time to get out." I defensively replied. I won't repeat the words he expressed, needless to say I had carved him up as far as he was concerned so I accepted, almost gracefully.

The thing is I am sure I am becoming Spanish in my driving style. Although I have slowed down a lot on the motorway. But on the motorway the Spanish don't follow any highway code, its every man and woman for themselves. I was driving to Alicante the other day and in the outside lane, a BMW travelling at 10 or 20 kilometers faster than the speed limit passed me on the inside and as many cars in front of me as he could until one car having had enough of the congestion floated into the inside lane into the path of the beemer, who then had to apply brakes rapido, and jerked the steering wheel to put the car in the outside lane. All the cars you could see were applying brakes to avoid hitting the idiot.

More often than not the main causes of accidents are scooter and motorbike riders. They have absolutely no lane sense whatsoever. If there is a gap beside, behind or in front of you they will fill it. If you are queuing at traffic lights they will edge past you in the middle lane then cross in front of you back along side the next car repeating until they reach the front.

The most annoying procedure is queuing at traffic lights. Two lanes of traffic, the left is to turn left across oncoming traffic, or go straight on, the right lane is also to go straight on or turn right. There is an amber flashing arrow for those turning right which means safe to proceed unless pedestrians are crossing. There is a light for pedestrians crossing in front of the queuing traffic which is green and a red light for those vehicles going forward and left. No one watches the red light they watch the little green pedestrian man waiting for him to go red. When it does you hear an increased engine noise from car and scooter alike and they are off before the red traffic light goes green, it doesn't do amber in this sequence. This is like the start of the Le Mann's 24 hour race, what no one has anticipated is the car/lorry/bus/van double parked up ahead and as soon as those on the right do they head left irrespective of who is at the side of them, this is where Le Mann's becomes the dodgems. Horns blast fists shake, windows open and Spanish swear words abound.

Now as the Spanish are not renowned for their patience at queuing, a roundabout is almost like a battle ground. It is put in place to aid traffic progress, but that's assuming people indicate, sit in the correct lane and have some courtesy should they end up queuing on the roundabout. Bad assumption in Spain. Some keep in the inside lane and go all around the roundabout until the last exit. Some start off in the outside lane and exit at the first exit. No-one lets anyone in. The most effective aid to negotiating a roundabout is the car horn.

However as for me carving Neil up...Patrick is no angel where the scooter is concerned, none of his friends observed this and he could have got away with it, but he sent the story out on Facebook and by email, so here is Patrick's faux pas.

So Patrick is in the middle of Benidorm on a packed shopping day and is on his scooter when his path becomes blocked by an accident where two vehicles with loads of passengers had bumped each other. Whilst the passengers decamped the path for Patrick was blocked, and he was late for an appointment. His only escape was the pavement, so instead of a few revs and easing the clutch out he inadvertently hit the revs with fast clutch release, and mounted the pavement and straight into a cafe terrace (fortunately it was not full of customers) he hit three closed parasols, he knocked two tables and eight chairs over, coming to rest in the middle of the terrace on an upturned table with ashtrays, napkins and menus strewn around. The rather camp waiter came over to him saying "Don't worry sir, calm down, calm down, would you like a tea coffee or beer?"
Patrick could do little else but sit there laughing with his silver helmet on. He did say he ordered a glass of water.

Patrick having just mastered the art of Facebook, set up a message and sent around his friends list. So you have to admire the guy for giving everyone a laugh at his expense, but only Duncan could write back and say "did you get the waiter's number".......

Home winter comforts - and water

...British ex-pats need some home comforts and this becomes more apparent during the cold autumn and winter nights. Many can manage to obtain English channels via various companies advertising in the 'Round Town News' or the 'Costa Blanca weekly'. There is also REM FM along with other English speaking radio, however REM FM is my particular favourite.

One company called 'Telemicro' has recently been closed down by the Spanish Guardia Civil. No one is quite sure what the charge is, but it is known that re-broadcasting UK terrestrial and satellite channel is illegal without obtaining a licence. This meant that thousands of ex-pat Brits lost their television signal having paid several hundreds of euros for the service. There is only one left as far as I know and how safe that company is will be determined in time. However, many people are keeping up with the soaps and the series here in real time. For those who don't have real time TV there is a service whereby the main soaps and special programmes are put onto DVDs and sold for 5 euros each and i am not sure how legitimate that is either.

I tend to enjoy radio more than most media. REM FM which broadcasts to all the costas. It has presenters based all the way from Altea to Tenerife, so you get local National and International news and information. They supply their own censorship which is pragmatic but not 'Nanny state' like the BBC. So the odd risque comment will emerge but its far more natural than total censorship.

The station is owned by a chap called Maurice Bowland, he is well known in the entertainment world in Ireland. I listen particularly to a few broadcaster. Hannah Murray does and afternoon slot which is probably REM's version of women's hour. In a morning there is Howard Brearaton, he tends to give a round up of Spanish news. On the hour every hour we get a news bulletin from IRN news Independent Radio News. A Guy called Steve Ritson operates out of Altea and he can be satirical and serious. The nice thing about the station is you can ring them, or send a message by MSN and they do try to respond and converse on air with you. They are supremely supportive of the community. They promote Spain as a country and they support many charities. If you wish to listen this link will take you to their page http://www.rem.fm/ where you can listen live.

On Sundays they have been playing old broadcasts of the 'Navy Lark,' call me boring but I really enjoy them and listen when I can.

Now this bit is sad. We are all excited in the ex-pat world, why? because C&A have open in La Marina centre. I know what you are thinking "You want to get out more" but if you are a large chap like me then regular Spanish sizes are no use to me whatsoever. C&A have sizes that fit. If I buy a top I need XXL shoes size 12, waist 38 but inside leg 34. Spanish sizes assume you have 38 waist and 28 inside leg. And no penalty for getting a larger size, I got 3 tops all costing 9 euros 95 cents each. On the same day I went to Carrefour and bought a Litre bottle of grouse whiskey for eight and a half Euros. So the credit crunch hasn't yet bitten here. Although an average MacDonald's meal deal here costs the same price as my litre bottle of whiskey.

The Finestrat council are building a wall in front of the shops on the Avenida marina baixa, from the Pharmacy down to the Cam bank. This is to divert the rain water which turns into a flood when the rain comes. In principle it seems a good idea, but if you narrow the width of the channel, it tends to get deeper in the middle, and next to the cam bank is an entrance to a car park which has no barrier and is at the point where the river will start to widen so no guessing where that water is going to go. The shop keepers must be thankful though because they have to bail water out of their premises every autumn and winter. The Spanish do seem to struggle with water. We now have new street lighting in the car park in the bay, the Mayor of Finestrat said it was necessary because every time it rained they went out. On the beach there is a notice board welcoming you to La Cala de Finestrat, it has a clock in it that hasn't worked for 3 years since it fused during a downpour, and the electronic lock release usually doesn't work when its raining either. The worst thing to stop working is the automatic door for our car park, because then you have to find the portero and get him to crank it open manually.

Most of our friends who travel too and from Spain rather than staying here all the time are back in the UK. The next time we are likely to see them is around New Year's Eve. Gary and Michael, Gary and Marian, Laurence and Tony, Jeremy and Colin are a few of those coming back.

The days at the Marina Bar now are with the ex-pats who live here all the time more or less. Although as it has cooled off somewhat we haven't been seeing those much. We see Pat and Brenda, Pat is usually a blurred streak as she marches past off up to the shops, she always has a shopping bag and we see Brenda in the distance going to meet Pat at the bus stop. They have taken up dance classes up in benidorm New Town near the Orange hotel. It is Classical and salsa, but it appears there are not enough men to partner, so I wouldn't be surprised if there are one or two would be Fred Astaire's lining up for the invitation. Knowing these two independent ladies I think the Fred Astaire aspirants are misguided. Pete and Dave are still here until the 20 th November and on Tuesday we went up for a meal at Da Vinci an Italian restaurant up the road. The lads both had the Spaghetti marinara and Ange and I had the Penne Ametricana we shared a garlic bread and finished the meal off with a couple of Sambucas. Then it was down to the Marina bar for a nightcap where Jonathan and Rick joined us. The subject was the skit Peter Kay made of X-factor on the previous weekend and how funny it was. We all thought it was brilliant that Simon Cowell was so rattled by it he had to rubbish it. That just goes to prove how good Peter Kay was.

We realised how late it was getting because Pepi and Salvador were stacking the chairs and moving the tables inside as they prepared to close the restaurant. So we ordered our bills and paid and started to leave when Dave said "Did you watch that show where Peter Kay dressed up as a transsexual"..... Where had he been all night...

Credit crunch and chilly nights

...Its getting chilly in the evenings now, if there is no sun it can be quite cool in the day. Ex-pats and native Spaniards have taken to wearing long sleeves and carry a coat. But the hardy tourists are still in shorts and T shirts as they wander round the bay. The annual deluge of rain has washed a large quantity of sand off the beach and into the sea. The waves are quite high, and the surfers have returned. They sit off shore waiting for the highest waves to form and then paddle with their arms before standing to ride out the wave. Now this is no Bondi beach so the surfing is short-lived but considering the Mediterranean is none tidal they are doing quite well.

Antonio and Pepi, the proprietors of the Marina bar are worrying about trade (mind you they always are). The number of visitors are dwindling now due to the season and the credit crunch may also be putting off would-be tourists as the Euro gets ever stronger against the Pound. But unexpected publicity from the Daily Express this morning is placing Benidorm well and truly on the map. Equally last night's television awards saw the series 'Benidorm' scoop the 'best comedy programme' award.

As the newspaper pointed out Benidorm has 600 bars 70 of which are British theme pubs, In the town there are 330 tower blocks mostly high rise, because Don Pedro (the man responsible for Benidorm's success and one time mayor) recognised there was little space for spread out housing he made it clear that building upwards was the best way of getting more people into Benidorm. He laid down some rules. Every apartment should have a sea view and every balcony should have sun shining on them. Today you can see apartments are angled to take advantage of the gaps between other buildings. Don Pedro died earlier this year and how much the Spanish people loved this man is borne out by the massive numbers of people who turned out for his memorial.

One thing that was in danger of spoiling Benidorm's appeal was the invention of bikinis, which offended the Catholic church and it was a public offence to wear them in public, the police used to fine people as they left the beach. So Don Pedro declared it acceptable to wear bikinis in benidorm. The church counteracted and threatened to ex-communicate him, which was about as bad as it could be in the 1950's. So Don Pedro got on his Vespa scooter and rode to Madrid for a personal interview with General Franco. Franco was so impressed with Don Pedro, that he came back with him to benidorm to look for himself and remained friends with Don Pedro until he died. The article in the Express was reporting that Professor Phillipe Duhamel, a Geographer at the university of Angers in France is asking for Benidorm to be recognised as being in the same category as 'Stonehenge', 'Taj Mahal' and the 'Acropolis' in other words a UNESCO World Heritage site. Which obviously amuses some observers, but there Don Pedro was a unique planner and Benidorm was his brainchild built specifically to satisfy the tourist.

So as Benidorm gets around 1.5 million British visitors each year, it is no surprise that the British bring a lot of income for the bars and no surprise that a shrewd brother act of Antonio and Pepi want to look after the British in their 'Bar maria' as pictured at the top of this blog.

So the singers they book each year are expected soon. If you remember last year there was Cheryl, who does a Dolly Parton tribute, and Andrea who last year did an act called 'Just a Girl' also does a 'Madonna and Cher' tribute and her web site is http://www.backstagepass.org.uk/ worth having a look and if any of my readers are from England Andrea performs there too. Their are two other acts both play keyboard.

So, the bar owners employ British singers, English translated menus with a section containing, Beef curry and chips, chicken curry and chips, fish and chips, and pie and chips. As well as traditional Spanish food such as sepia a la plancha and calamares. Last night it was a bit chilly so they also rolled out their new calor gas powered garden heaters to welcome passing trade and keep the current customer from leaving. Pepi brought the newspaper to me and asked 'Bob can you see eef der ees any eengleesh football on theeee televeesyon esta noche' So I managed to find a televised match and he proceeded to find it on his satellite remote control.

What about the Spanish customers you may well ask?

The Spanish tourists are very unlike the British. Where most British tourists like to spend on a drink and some of food, the Spanish tend to be driven by meal times and price. They rise and have breakfast, they will have a coffee around 10am and maybe a croissant or cake, at 12 another coffee and snack, and at 2 pm it is their main feeding time. They will go to a Spanish cafe/restaurant which will have a menu del dia and an a la carte section. They will eat and probably drink water, nowadays some may take wine but that is likely to be a glass not a bottle. At 4 or 5 pm they tend to go for a stroll, at the seaside this will be along the promenade known as to 'paseo' as we say to promenade and at some stage someone will need refreshment. From the Marina business plan point of view, this section of the population is lost to them and therefore discouraged from stopping by, because if within a group of 5 promenaders, one requires to quench their thirst, they will enter the nearest bar, take up 5 places and buy one drink, usually cafe cortado, or cafe Americana, or cafe con hiello (coffee and ice) and the rest will watch all talking in unison. This will last about an hour or 90 minutes. So from a profitability point of view not attractive.

The British bring in great profits, but the British still fall into two groups, the tourist and the ex-pat. The tourist will come in and may not just drink they may also buy food. I recently pointed out to Pepi he was potentially losing out because people come by pick up what they think is a menu (which is really a cocktail menu) when they realise it isn't one they move on. 'So why not get some small laminated menu's Pepi?" "I teenk dees is a good idea" he replied with gratitude. Sure enough within a week they appeared. Now you see browsers turning into customers, I really should ask for commission. Anyway, once in the tourist buys the mandatory San Miguel or a jug of Sangria. asks for the full menu and their eyes light up at the thought of meat pie chip and peas with gravy. So pies all round and a hot dog for the kids, who by now realise how close they are to the beach and wander off to play in the sand. Right next door to the marina bar is a shop that sells buckets and spades and all types of amphibious plastic for the lazy swimmers. So usually you see the odd parent wandering away from the table to buy something to keep the kids happy, whilst they indulge in a few drinks.

Every ex-pat and all the bar staff know that those on the front line are bait. Because sooner or later the people they met in the hotel last night will wander by. They will all start talking and eventually an impromptu party begins. Drunkenness is fuelled by Jesus who, I am convinced, is on commission. "Hola!" he meets and greets, takes their orders and then hovers like a vulture. He creeps over to remove the empties and instantly he shouts "uno mass, one more"? and like flies into a spiders web they have ordered more drinks without even realising it. And the more they drink the less controlled they are and the kids run to and from the beach begging their parents to come look at the sand castle, and in the process someone knock over a table full of drinks. No problem at all to Jesus it means more bought drinks, and he willingly cleans up the mess. They pay their bill and as Jesus returns with the change, he has poured out this Spanish drink for them, free of charge as a final reminder that they are the best bar in the bay. By the time they have left Jesus knows their names and he memorises them, because tomorrow as they walk past he will call to them like lost relations, which will impress them and they will be back.

The other group the ex-pats well we are different, we know the tricks and methods and we pose a bigger challenge to them. So they treat us well on prices, and always give us a free whatever we have been drinking on the house when we pay our bills, but woe betide any ex-pat who dares to drink next door in La Cala Cala bar. Jesus has been known to throw peanuts at such offenders and pull faces, which is not a pretty sight. But in general the marina bar is the cheapest in the bay for ex-pats and that show how shrewd they are in they they manage to maintain our custom.

And Benidorm, how does it manage to lure so many tourists back? Well if you are one of the many Brits who have never been but tell people how rubbish it is, come and give it a try. There is something for everyone here, its a great town, which can be sedate as well as chaotic, sober and inebriated, but always a friendly place.

Oh and wall to wall sunshine doesn't do any harm either...

A day at El Cisne

...On the outskirts of Benidorm every Saturday and Sunday is the El Cisne market. It is a slightly posher version of an English car boot sale. So as Pete's partner Dave was away in England and I had never been, we decided to go with Pete, Patrick and Neil and make an afternoon of it. With meticulous WWII time synchronisation, we arranged to get the number 12 bus as near as possible to 1 pm and sit on the pavement side of the bus (right hand side here) so that Patrick and Neil could see we were on it, and we gave Patrick a call to say we were on it and to make sure he was at the bus stop near his apartment soon.

We arrived at his stop about 7 minutes later and only Patrick got on. Neil is the chef in the business and he works in a hot kitchen 6 nights a week so he decided to have a really good rest instead of socialising. So it was just the 4 of us. When we got into benidorm, we had to transfer to the no 10 bus which would drop us at El Cisne.

My first impression was good, it did have a car boot sale air about it, and we decided we would have a mooch round first before we considered moving into the bar, food and entertainment area.

I was transported back to my childhood with some of the stalls. One had at least half a dozen hand drills, you may know what I mean, they have a handle on a red disc and the body of the drill originally was silver with a wooden handle and a key chuck to put the drill in. My dad had one of them many years ago. So how this chap managed to have 6 for sale beggars understanding but 6 he had. There were stalls full of assorted goods (if it was yours you would call it rubbish) and some had bicycles, part built bicycles and bicycle parts. There were many second hand clothes stalls, assorted jewellery, trinkets and memorabilia.

Once we had seen all we needed to see the consensus was to go in search of food. Inside the building part of El Cisne, is a maze of bars and food restaurants and it seemed every seat had been taken. However, after some serious searching we managed to get a table for 4. I am not particularly keen on paella, its OK but when hungry I need more carbs to help counteract my diabetes pill, so Patrick saved the table and would order the drinks, Ange and Pete went for paella for the three of them and I went for a doner kebab and chips. We tucked into the food and ordered a jug of sangria for Ange and Patrick, a glass of white wine for Pete and a jug of San Miguel for me. Once dined Patrick suggested he went to find a table near to the entertainment and he would text when he did so. All went to plan and we joined Patrick a little bit cramped but in full view of the acts.

The main act that afternoon was a guy playing an electronic violin, and this chap could play. He did a few Irish jigs, and then played a guitar for a few more and he sang as well. Then he played "the devil rides to Georgia" which really brought out the guy's mastery of his violin. As the afternoon progressed, we noticed that mystic Meg from the bay (one of my previous blog stars) was around and her friend too. She was very well known with many people I suppose the fact she was three parts blotto and dancing on her own made her stand out a bit. The couple on an adjoining table referred to her as Cleopatra, which does Cleo no favours but does describe her hair style quite well.

The violinist introduced about 4 people who he said are not paid acts but had agreed to get up and do a song. The first lady sang more like Tina Turner than Tina Turner, the second did an excellent rendition of Karen Carpenter and then came "Leo" I think that was his name. He started with Frank Sinatra, now if you ever saw the film "Galaxy Quest" which was about a bunch of over the hill 'B' movie actors who were living off their fame of a TV series not dissimilar to 'Star Trek' then you would recognise that this guy, had once done something professional, but maybe slightly past his sell by date now. He could sing, but he was so very cock-sure about himself. He had that plastic look that celebrities have coiffure rather than a hair style and waxy skin as though he had theatrical make up on. And the 40s/50s/60s groupies that were hovering around the stage were clearly his focus. In the wings was Suzy, also a good singer but also well into 'self' and joined Leo on stage and did 'You're the one that I want' from "Grease". Then as time went on they ended up singing the smoochy stage show songs in a bout of over-self indulgence. Having said that me Pete and Ange decided to concentrate of the drink whilst Patrick was rapt at this spectacular. We were nearly as rapt as newts because I was at the end of my second jug of beer, Ange and Patrick well into their third jug of sangria and Pete at the end of a bottle of white wine. This didn't stop us ordering again but this time I was on whiskey.

Ultimately time caught us all up and the fiddle player would things up and did the mandatory encore, and we asked the waitress if she could organise a taxi for us, which she did swiftly and we had to quickly drink and disappear.

The taxi took us down to the Marina bar where we were expecting a group of guys who had been up to Polop for a meal. We had been there a little while when they arrived and we took 10 seats, much to the delight of Antonio the bar owner. Amongst this crowd was Jeremy and Colin, Laurence and Tony, Kevin and Barrie, me and Ange, Patrick and Pete. Our night lapsed into a bit of a drunken gathering, but it was extremely entertaining. Now whilst I was critical of the singing at El Cisne, there can be only one thing slightly more irritating..and that is Jeremy singing "I love a parade...." after several Vodka and tonics.....

Astany bisto

...Tourists in general allow the Spanish to earn a living, some ex-pats too. In most resorts or popular tourist towns there are a plethora of 'English' 'Scottish' and 'Irish' bars. As you walk down the street of Benidorm old and new town you can see the Union flag, George cross flag, St Andrews flag, Irish harps and welsh leeks, all meant to welcome the disoriented traveller and lure him/her into the bar or shop to buy the type of goods they can buy in Great Britain and Ireland. Hence bar names like 'Molly Malones' 'Shinanigans' 'Queen Vic' 'Red Dragon' etc.

Alternatively there are the Spanish bars, shops and restaurants, which for many of us ex-pats, are adequate, even excellent sources for our weekly and monthly shopping and entertainment outings.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that my wife Ange works in a small English supermarket (the prefix 'super' over exaggerates the size of the premises) and obviously gets many UK customers.

Their reaction to things does speak volumes about some of them. One day a Scottish couple came into the shop and began to browse, the lady picked up a small bar of Cadbury milk chocolate, and said "One euro for this? that's a pound, they are 35 pence in England" then she picked up a big block of Cadbury chocolate and added "This is four euros fifty in England that would cost a pound" My wife was keeping her own council, then the lady approached the counter and said "We have just had a meal down there (pointing in the general direction of the bay) we had a couple of beers and we each had gammon and do you know that was sixteen euros (£12.60p)" That was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak and Ange said, "Well the chocolate has to be imported from the UK hence the price, as for the price of meals it doesn't seem expensive compared to the UK considering the meal was freshly cooked, served to you by a waiter and you also had 4 beers between you and the total cost comes to about 16 euros" At which point they looked astonished and left the shop.

Then a second couple came in, this time English, The man launch into a verbal offensive as he entered "Do you ever recommend that restaurant down there" (he did name it but for the sake of keeping friends with them I will not say the name) my wife said she didn't recommend anywhere. "Well its a good job" he said. "We ordered best braising steak" said his wife. "No way was that best braising steak it was stewing steak" she bemoaned. "He (pointing at her husband) only eats peas, so I told them, he only eats peas" Curiously my wife asked "so what veg did you get" "We didn't we only got the steak and chips" she said. "Did you ask for veg" added Ange. "No we didn't, but then again we always say the best place to eat in benidorm is Ray's chippy".

My wife said "...well you can get a very reasonable meal of the day in the Spanish restaurants"
The lady said "Oh no we don't eat that muck" Ange added "Have you tried any of the English restaurants around the bay?" pointing in that direction. "The bloke said you mean at the roundabout?" Ange said "No round the corner on the sea front" "Oh no we have never been round there" and off they went. Ange didn't like to tell them that Ray's Chippy was owned and run by a Spaniard......

Home for a rest

...The pedalos have gone from the beach so its officially the end of the Summer season. Over the past few weeks I have had dental problems and had to go to the Spanish dentist. Initially I had a cavity, left after a previous filling fell out, then I got another cavity on an upper front tooth and to really force me into action a gold cap fell off.

My wife has used a dentist around the corner called the "Dentalium" so off I went to see the dentist. She speaks perfect English so communication was easy. She told me I needed a canal root filling on my bottom left wisdom tooth (on my way to the dentist I bumped into Steve my friend and ex-prison Officer, and he enquired if they were going to put some wisdom teeth in, the cheeky blighter), a filling at the top and a general clean. The bill for this was going to be 271 Euros, so I said OK. Within seconds my mouth was beginning to freeze and she had the drill in my mouth working away. I thought I would have a stay of execution as it were until a further appointment, but this is private dentistry so no time like the present.

She drilled, filed, reamed and filled the tooth with a medicated temporary filling, then she stuck my gold cap back in and said: "We will complete everything at your next visit" I asked how much she wanted which was a bit immaterial because all I had on me was 70 euros and she took it all. leaving a 201 euro balance next time. The next time came around and she finished the wisdom tooth, finished the upper filling and then did the hygienist bit, where she found 2 more fillings so that was another 60 euros.

In the meantime me and Ange went to England for a week. We always enjoy looking up our friends back in the UK, but the week we were there was absolutely none stop. We arrived at Manchester airport at 12.30 am, I had hired a car over the net so went to pick it up. I am used to driving on the right hand side of the road, so for a brief while I had some intense concentrating to do until my mind snapped into UK mode.

On the following morning we got up early and went to see my dad who lives in a nursing home (he is 92 nearly) and spent an hour or so with him and he was in great spirits. Then we went to town Ange was meeting her friends, and in the evening we went to Deb's and Mike's for dinner. Day 1 was hectic but very nice. Day 2 Ange went to visit her mum in a rest home, and we met up with our friends Dave and Ali in the afternoon. Day 3 a Plumber should have come to our flat to fit a new gas boiler, but he cancelled until the following day, Ange went to the drop in centre for a blood test and in the evening we met up with our friends Joe and Julie in a pub. Day 4 I had to go to see the Cardiologist for a check-up, then go see my Dad again and in the evening we went to our friends Brian and Christine for dinner and were joined by Ian and Christine, our son and Brian and Christine's son, another excellent night. Day 5 Ange had an appointment at the hospital, then we went to see her mum again, Ange went and met her friend Glenys and in the evening we went to Tiggis restaurant in Bolton with Anne, Bill, Fi and Colin. Day 6 Ange went to meet ex-work colleagues, I went in town for a few errands and in the evening we met Jackie and Alan and Jackie's cousin and new partner at a great pub called the Wagon and Horses in Hawkshaw near Bolton. Day 7 we flew back to Spain. The week was very busy, but we had great weather, not as good in Spain apparently..

Back in Spain the rain had been teeming down, floods once again removed half the sand from the beach, but apart from a rainy arrival, the following day was nice and the following day Sunday was raining first thing, this was the day that Peter, Dave, Patrick, Neil, Trevor, Andrew, Laurence and Tony and Trevor's brother and his wife were going up to Las Palmeras restaurant at the embalso de Guadalest. So instead of sitting out under the arbor, they had to sit in the main dining room.

They still enjoyed it, I was meeting them after they came back, which turned out to be 11.30 pm for me because I had a previous appointment. When I arrived they were all having a singalong, much to the bemusement of their fellow international drinkers. To say they had imbibed a sufficiency of the falling over water would be an understatement. Dave was semi-recumbent in his seat, Trevor had that kind of glazed over look, Pete was uncharacteristically slurring his words, Neil had a fit of the giggles and Trevor's brother Brian was leading the communal singing.

I received an excellent reception from them and I was directed to a chair and Jesus delivered my first drink of the day a bottle of Mahou, with a strange smirk on his face, knowing that I was sober and my friends very drunk. There is only one thing to do on such an occasion and that is catch them up quickly, so I drank a few drinks quickly, to try and get into the same mood. It was too late they were way ahead of me there was an impromptu pub quiz, where questions were asked but even the quiz master didn't know the answer. Eventually everyone decided they had drank enough and the 8 gay men jumped to their feet to give each other a hug goodbye, whereas me and Brian stayed sat down acting all butch offering a manly handshake. But by now the lads had thrown caution to the wind they dragged me and Brian to our feet and said you are getting a hug too, I decided it would be churlish to refuse so there was I being hugged by 8 gay men with Jesus looking on shaking his head in disbelief...................I didn't realise how much I had missed Spain..........I rolled home at 0145......Oh and this morning I went and had 2 more fillings done..